I miss blogging, but I was busy and was deprived of time to even see how my blog is. I even have classes after this. So I'll make this entry brief just so I could let y'all know that I'm still alive and that I would love to hear from you again.

Yesterday, we had a discussion in Theology. Our new professor seems fun... but not fun enough for me, I guess. If you were there you'd find me in the corner of the room beside the window and behind the curtains and the pillar... on the borderline between the Earth and cosmos. Half-asleep is the term, yes. But one sentence of his brought me back to my senses.

"Love is best felt when the feeling is no longer there (Or something else quite similar? I should do something about this memory of mine...)"

The statement made me remember a certain ordinary day last semester on an empty classroom, before our return demonstration of bandaging. Each armed with a stick of chalk, me and my friends were fooling around with the blackboard while I was crushing aloud (as usual)... Seeing perhaps that I was in a lovey-dovey mood, one of my dearest and closest female friends (who prides herself as being single since birth) asked me "How do you know that you love him?"

I suddenly stopped and faced her. It was the first time in my life somebody asked me that question, and so it was also the first time I realized that I have no answer, that I might have taken the deep and heavy word "love" so lightly, and that perhaps throughout those years of seeming to know what the word means I might have been wrong after all.

Suddenly, the most handsome guy in our block waltzed in. I stared at him as he acknowledged each of us and sat on an empty chair. He definitely is the embodiment of Adonis and a real "crush ng bayan"... And everybody knows that I have a teensy-weensy CRUSH on him. Something flashed through my mind... and before I knew it I faced my friend confidently. The answer dawned on me.

A million other girls in school have their eyes on him, while I could count my rivals with this guy that I love with my fingers.

"I LOVE HIM and I'm sure of that... I say so because he's imperfect, has lots and lots of faults, and yet I would want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can clearly see his negatives and am anticipating more of it, but still I accept him. His positives only come as bonus."

Lots of people say he's an arrogant and bossy brute; some say this guy's gay and is involved in a relationship with the same sex as his; yadda-yadda, etc... But I don't believe them. He may be bossy or arrogant at times, but he's not gay. Why do I think so? Because that's what he told me. He told me he's straight and so I'd believe that. Period. No sense of drilling evidences or opinions into my thick skull. And so what if I'm blind?

I love him, and love is able to change all the negatives of a person into a positive... whether the change is objective or subjective.

Infatuation, for me, is the total opposite of love. You tend to show off your positives to the person you're attracted to... and you'd tend to see his positives only. So if you ask someone what he/she loves the most in his/her girl/boyfriend and he/she answers "He/She's so sweet, hot/gorgeous, kind, compassionate, etc...", then I don't think that's love. The second rule of thumb that I've learned throughout my college life as a Nursing student in SLU is this: "People who tend to show off their negatives (usually by being hard on other people) are those who need love the most... Someone to show them that someone cares."

If only all people would conceptualize love like that, the world would perhaps be a much better place. Divorce and annulment would be perfectly nonexistent.

If love would be about acceptance of one person as a whole, then I bet guys would never mind if I am fat, or ugly, or dark-skinned-->my negatives, because my positives are deep to my skin... abstract and uncountable.

So, let's talk. What's your opinion about love? I'd love to hear it.

Just a RELATIVELY SHORT ENTRY ('cause it's so hot)!

Whenever I see ballroom dancers belting it out with their dance instructors, I am always reminded of swans-- graceful and docile creatures that represent beauty and simple elegance...

That is, until I saw myself on video dancing the swing... I am suddenly reminded of a pig with its tail caught on its hooves, clumsily tumbling about. Ugh.

Oh, well, anyway...

I'm home! And for now, it's all that matters to me... Quota? What quota? What second semester? Oh, no-siree, I must not at all costs be reminded of those God-forsaken things or I shall throw into yet another one of my trademark "tanginang-mga-bagay-yan-paki-ko-ba-wag-nyo-sirain-mood-ko-pak-yu-ol" fits.

~*Hmmm... A whole month! Things to do, things to do, things to do:

---(1)Visit high school! Ah, mi alma mater! Mi sacre bleu alma mater! According to Gelian, "a time for me to rekindle with my 'boyfriends' again".
---(2)Beach marathon (status: accomplished)! I so totally missed the big, blue, salty body of water just a short walk away from our house!
---(3)Bonding with the fam (the uber-adorable sibs and the fat, huggable 'rents)(status: accomplished)!
---(4)Bonding with the 'kada! -->Welcome back, mah Gelai! Mooches!


~*Hmmm... That's about it. Oh, yeah:
---(5)See him again... Para wala lang naman. Masama ba? 'Di ko na gusto yung tao, oy!--> Hanggang ngayon ba naman, denial?

I may not fully accomplish these to-do's but still, I'm thankful for this gift of rest- this semestral break- that I may rid myself from all the troubles that college life has offered and has yet to offer to me. Despite the heat and the faulty air-conditioner and water system, I still consider it to be a wonderful blessing and a reward for having been a good and well- disciplined kolehiyala. I hope -with two fingers crossed- that come second semester, I will be ready -and more able- to deal with all the stress, pressure, and problems that normally comes along with college life.

P.S. A whooping 93 for our group's pop dance- the highest score! Hehe, bawing-bawi! Isn't God good? (-_^)

Somewhere in Northern America, a long time ago, a village was enjoying the rich and fertile soil graced upon it by a lake that was situated at its very heart. The people were very happy and contented, for they could depend their livelihood not only on their harvests (which are of great abundance), but also on the blessings of the lake. ~*One morning, there occurred a weak earthquake. It wasn't alarming at all, and the villagers continued with their lives as if the occurrence were just an anecdote waiting to be gossiped- no big deal, hey! But the next day, all of the villagers were found dead, as if they had all just fallen dead on their tracks. Corpses littered the streets, fields, and houses. Paranormal experts and policemen were sent to the area but not one of them was able to offer a plausible explanation. It remained to be a baffling scene until the scientists came.

~*The explanation: When the earthquake occurred, mineral deposits from the bottom of the lake surfaced and reacted with each other, forming a huge bubble of carbon monoxide. The bubble grew larger and larger unbeknownst to the people, until it burst at dusk and... Well, you could imagine what terror occurred next: people thinking they could run away from it but dropping dead in the middle of the road anyway- their skins burnt and their hair falling off their heads... According to the news, the carbon monoxide reached as far as 1000 meters, causing more injuries and deaths. The cattle and the crops were all spoiled, too.

Thus marked the sad ending of the harmonious and bountiful village that relied on the lake- lost in a shroud like the mist that envelopes it at night.

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The truth is... I'm feeling terribly angry right now. I'm unleashing my anger through this keyboard and a bag of cheese-n-beef nachos, and I still don't feel right. I've got to admit that during the past few months since I graduated from high school, I've changed a lot.

HIGH SCHOOL: (1) I never liked studying. (2) I don't take down notes (especially kay Sir Samson, hehe). (3) I don't lug around my books, notebooks, etc. (4)Most prominent: I'm mean; so not kind; an attitude-disaster, you'd think I was raised in the streets. <--Get this point. Next.

COLLEGE: (1) Studying is fun! (2) Taking down notes is fun! (3) I don't gallivant much, it's a drag 'cause it's so cold out nowadays. (4) Get this: I'm kinder. <--Get this point.

But I've thought this thought before, ruled it out, thought it again, believed in it, ruled it out again, and now I'm believing and philosophizing it: You're being taken advantage of because you're too kind. Other people would see you as kind and would push you around, order you around... UGH! This isn't me... I'm not kind... I don't give... But at least I try to... I TRY... I want to see what it's like, and I don't like it... Not at all...

You see, we had choral speech practice today, and we ended up with something monotonous. Dea and I approached the leader and suggested marveous ideas to her... Well, she turned a deaf ear on us... Oh, okay...

So then I just idled around with some friends nearby (while the others discussed plans on how to make the presentation more monotonous-- er, I mean presentable. And then this girl calls out "Ano ba? Maki-participate nga kayo!" angrily...

Aba't...!

~*THE FOLLOWING PORTION IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR YOUNG AUDIENCES. PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS RECOMMENDED.

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Juuuuuuuusssst kidding! Nope, hindi ako magmumura sa blog na ito. Hindi ko kaya. Yikes, eh kung mabasa ni Tweety? Anong iisipin niya?

There! Now, I feel better... ^_^

Picture me in relation to that lake now. I've been a help, just like it, but was poisoned with lots of assorted emotions inside of me too, capped up with my natural warfreak attitude. It just took a little stimulation- a little 'earthquake' to have made these contents bubble up and resurface and... Death. Injuries. Illnesses. Sufferings. Remember my 'hate organization' scandal three years back? I can at times be sooo angry I could really kill. But I want to change not just for what other people would say about me but also for myself. So you see, I'm fighting a battle with myself. I want the old me to dominate- to be the one that is manifested- but parang nakatatak na sa utak ko that college is a lot different bacause it comprises of a lot of different people. Maybe I'm just plain scared, or I just really want to renew myself, to be cleansed from the old me... Though I know I would never rid myself of it. I've learned from Mam Lalet (psychology): personality is 60% hereditary and 40% environmentally- influenced. Argh!

It'll come up to the clear, this mind of mine, when it's ready. For now, I'm hungry. More nachos!

Seven minutes to eight and I'm still sitting in a demon-infested internet cafe (it's dark, noisy, full of shouting and cursing gamers- you'd even think I'm exaggerating) researching for diagrammatic drawings of hay infusions and dandruff.

Dandruff! I mean... Puh-lease.

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But I wouldn't sacrifice if it weren't for you, cutie. Ask me to bring the moon and place it at your feet and I will... in your face that is. A dark half-moon shaped shadow around your eyes.

Halatadong wala akong magawa, noh? Makapag-tagalog na nga lang muna. Argh.

Nung Friday pala, nanood kami ng Sukob, dalawa lang kami ni Krisia. Bonding, kasi nag-mimiss out na kami sa isa't isa. Sabi niya, hindi siya natakot sa pelikula, sa mga sigaw ko lang. Ako naman kasi, hindi ko mapigilan... Masarap kaya sumigaw! Eh sa nagugulat nga ako eh, alangan namang pigilan ko? Eh kung mautot ako?

Hala, halatadong ako'y bad trip! Bakit kasi yung pinakamahirap pa ang na-assign sa akin? Hay infusion? Dandruff? Sinong normal na tao ang magpopost sa internet ng pictures ng dandruff sa OIO? At ng diagrammatic na picture ng hay infusion na may mga nagse-sailing na protozoans at looba-loobas? Ay, kung hindi lang ako in-love...

Kamusta na kaya siya? Hmmm...

Anyways, naghahanap nga ko ng medyo malapit-lapit na guy eh... Para naman may malas na naman na taong mapagtritripan. Meron nga eh, pinopormahan ko, lagi akong nakangiti sa kanya... Kaya tuloy panay na ang tingin sa akin... Baka inaantay niyang masilip ang lalamunan ko or something. Hehe, pero... cute (^_^). Pwede... Quality...

Ay, eto nakakatuwa... Noong laboratory Tuesday kasi, niloloko si Pres. Renz nina Elaine at Steph sa harap ko. Kasalukuyan siyang nakasilip sa microscope (yung ill-stricken hay infusion na iyan)eh minamasa-masahe siya nung dalawa, kinikiliti-kiliti... Wa epek naman sa kaniya. Ako, try ko! Pero seductive massage, more like a slow seductive stroke (kagat ko pa iyong lower lip ko). Dahan-dahan sa kanyang likuran... Nagpipigil na kaming lahat ng tawa... Nang bigla ba namang lumingon! Ay, putcha, caughta in the act! Sabi niya, 'Bakit ba?' in a nice, teasing way with matching nakakalokong smile. Hagalpakan na ng tawa... Tapos noong medyo nag-subside na, umupo ako sa tabi niya, tapos naka-smile siya... Steeg! Go Hannah, go Hannah, go Hannah, go! Yeah!

Masarap palang pag-practice-an itong blog na ito ng Filipino! Mag-iwan ng komento!

Maghahanap pa muna ako ng hay infusion at dandruff... Haaaaaayyy...

BAGUIO CITY. Summer capital of the Philippines. Too cold for me, I could die anytime in the middle of the night with blue lips and purple skin. Always encounter flights and flights of stairs anywhere, everywhere, everytime (I lost weight, so I could say this in my trademark adik-adik tone). I'm so lonely. I feel empty. People who try to pull me down and show that I'm worth nothing. People who LIE to me. People who build Mount Everests from an anthill. People who you try to help and feel bad at you because you care to do so. People who forget everything that you had had in the past. Friends you thought were forever yours to keep. This isn't getting anywhere...

Yesterday, I was about to eat lunch. Alone. I ordered a value meal and the stupid carinderia lady served me one whole order of each. I got so pissed off that I walked out of the establishment. I transferred to another self-service restaurant and finally found contentment. I was eating and I texted my mom, "Kmain n kau?" No reply until after five minutes: "Wthrw k n s bngko". I replied, "Ma, msrp bng m2ty?"

I thought I was doomed to forever be alone, that I already had my share of happinees back at high school and God would want me to feel isolated from the world for a change. My cellphone was ringing, mother was calling but I paid no attention. I thought of all those people that I thought I had... and realized that I don't need them in my life. They don't need me, why should I need them?

I thought that one day, my so-called friends will find me in a corner of a mall chatting animatedly with my new friends, and they'd come up and say "Bezy! How are you?" to which I'd answer "Do I know you?" and continue with my business. I thought of not going back home forever and not answering any incoming calls from any of my family. I thought of being alone in my room, thinking about how alone I was in the world and suddenly finding a rope in one of the drawers and...

I started walking towards Burnham park, an overpass away from the Nursing building of my school (Hell, yeah, I'm an official Louisian!). I looked up to see a man smirking at me and then suddenly burst out laughing at me! Why? Because I'm fat, that's why! I grew even more angrier and climbed the overpass. When I was exactly four feet above him, I opened my half-full mineral water bottle and threw all the contents on him. I heard him scream before I ran away.

This occurrence gave me a new thought: that there are two types of people in the world- the beautiful and the ugly. The beautiful earn respect (and whistles!) from his/her fellow men, while the ugly get laughed at and discriminated. Also notice that the beautiful are often the people who are contented with their love lives, while the ugly are those who sigh and dream when their crush passes by and weep when they find out that he/she is already taken. I've plenty more comparative statements here, but it'll take me the whole day if I type them all out.

God, I was SO angry I could kill. I imagined that I was beautiful, and all those who were so cruel and mean to me I've attracted. They were all asking for me to be theirs, but I wouldn't give in. In the end, I tell them all that I already have a boyfriend... "Oh, you know who he is! He's Bentoy! You know, that guy you were all making fun of?"

It was raining hard when I decided to go home. I was soaked to the bone when I arrived. My housemates said they were worried, and that my mother was worried that I had done something bad to myself. Oh, now they all care! But I wasn't mad anymore... I wasn't crazy anymore... I figured out that:

1. People who don't treat you as a friend (or not anymore as a friend) don't deserve you. There are so many potential best friends out there! My search is definitely on!

2. People are not classified according to their physical appearance. They are classified according to their intelligence. The smart people appreciate beauty as universal: there is nothing on Earth that's ugly. The ignorant, however, discriminate everything they don't find beautiful. They're too stupid to know real beauty. They don't consider how other people feel. They try to make you think that you're nobody. In regards with the lovelife, it doesn't necessarily mean that the beautiful people in a relationship are truly happy. It's the smart bunch who are happy because there is mutuality, harmony and love within the relationship. Ignorant people don't even know what these things mean, and thus are in for a chaotic romance!

3. Your family cares about you, no matter what. Mama thinks that I texted my horrid message because I'm finding my course difficult or something. When I told her about my temporary illness, she said "Aba, mas maganda nga ang mag-isa ka all the time, kahit habang kumakain, kasi it's an opportunity for you to bond with yourself and your notes." Mama, you're a genius!

This morning, I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to take on a new day (all crazed thoughts forgotten, thank God!).

The rain did me good.

P.S. Hottie alert! 2 new hotties caught my eye... One guy striked me as having the same attitude as "Tweety" *wink wink*... And one was watching me with a twinkle in his eye while I reported in history (but he's already taken, so...)...

Were you at the 'Bangus Festival' last night? I was. I street-partied last night with about a thousand more people who are proud to be part of the province that supplies the best milkfish in the whole world. Hmmm... Come to think of it, I'm not really an original Pangasinense. I grew up in Manila (this explains why I'm a bit of a rebel and 'pakawala') and moved here when I was five or six. Our house then was situated right in the middle of a bustling Cubao: a good walk away from SM Cubao, Ali Mall, Max's, McDonald's, Rustan's, COD, etc... So you can imagine my shock when I first came in here. There were no tall buildings and malls. On our way to San Fabian (where I live right now), only long rows of mountains and farmlands greeted my sight. I instantly thought that my life will never be the same again.

Ten years swiftly passed. I'm fresh out of high school and I've learned to adapt to my environment. I've gained friends, fallen in and out of love, and learned lessons that will someday pull me through life. Pangasinan wasn't so bad after all.

Ehem, as I was saying... I partied last night blah blah blah and I had fun! Actually, my night didn't start out good. We came late kasi to the party venue eh (A.B. Fernandez Ave.) so the place was packed na. We even had a hard time finding a place to park our vehicle! And while I was squeezing through the crowd, I couldn't help but think "Ang mga Pilipino talaga..." We settled on Stage 9 na lang (because it was the nearest), which is being run by Star FM and Bombo Radyo. The guests were Session Road, Masculados, and the main event- Ethel Booba. As much as I wanted to check out the other stages (I was looking for Hale or PNE), I had no choice na.

The first performers were the Masculados, with their hit singles like Lagot Ka, Gigil, and Swak na Swak. Next came Maricar Fernandez, endorsing White Castle Whiskey (alongside the Masculados)by singing her own medley.

A local band named Roads Asia (or so I think) played next while the next performer (Session Road) was getting ready. While the band played, fireworks lit up the sky. They were beautiful! Sobra! Halatadong pinagka-gastusan ng milyones ni Mayor Benjie! Gazing at the spectacular colors that exploded just above me (yes, we've got the best position!) felt like being sucked into a vortex of multicolored glitters... and one couldn't help but think just how much more wonderful it could be if the person you love was standing beside you, feeling and thinking just the same. Sigh.

The fireworks display lasted for about six minutes. It ended in time for the announcers to introduce Session Road. The band that was Baguio's pride played their hit singles like Suntok sa Buwan and Blanko (a new song that will be included in their new album which is due next month). Even Tuesday Vargas surprised us with her unexpected appearance!

The last and most-anticipated performer was multi-talented comedienne and host Ethel Booba. She was dressed in a tight tube top and sequined micro-mini. Male onlookers bent down in hopes of grabbing a look-see of her *****. Hehe!

When Ethel first sang, one of the wires got unplugged (due to the amount of people who are eager to see her). She sang another song by Sarah Geronimo and proceeded to hosting a mini 'pasiklaban'. She picked five lucky male volunteers from the crowd. The one who exhibits the best breakdance will be declared winner and will get to kiss Ethel on the lips! God, she was sooooooo funny and entertaining! Sobra! She kept on cracking jokes and acting flirty in a funny way even from the start of her performance! The audience roared with laughter and participated with her quirks. Sabi nga nung announcer, "Ang lakas talaga ng hatak ni Ethel Booba!" Eh paano, saan ka ba naman nakakita nung bastos na mga jokes pero sobrang nakakaaliw kung kaya't hindi na pinapansin kung sexual connotation! Sabi pa nga ni Ethel, "May mga batang nakatingala sa baba. Parang naaalala nila yung pinaggalingan nila. At saka may mga big kids pa pala." O, di ba? Hehe!

We let her finish her performance before we went home veeeeery tired (and with stomach gases from so much laughter)! We didn't even remember that we haven't eaten yet! Now, what was I saying a while back? Oh, yes... "Ang mga Pilipino talaga... marunong magsaya!" ^_^

High school life is finally over. Shems. Ang sakit pala. It's -what would the British call it?- sacre bleu. Joyce, asan ang tagboard mo? Hindi ko mahanap, naduduling na ako. Or I may have gotten ill due to the fact that my life is never going to be the same again. Footah. I miss my friends. I miss my classmates. I miss him...

Graduation took place three days ago (10th April, 2006) but my mind seemed to have failed to process the idea. However, I remember what took place while the song 'Salamat' played: lots of tears, hugs, kisses... To me, it was horrible... Of course it was! I cried.

I sang while I cried. I laughed. I hugged a lot of fiends- people who I may never see again... People who I may never spend that same chikahan sessions with like I did in the past... People who have accepted me for who I really am and who I'm not... I remember being hugged by Jeric, and I will never forget how I felt at that time... It's the same feeling when I accidentally let go of my kite when I was five... And Monica, my precious friend since grade one... Lee-Anne. Yves. Dennis. Dea. Marz. Ison. Joyce. Yeng. JRay. The long list goes on... God, I never thought I'd lose this much... Now, I realize how much opportunity there was before that I could have made use in spending time with those people who I've left out... People who could have been potential best friends and chikahan buddies had I only as much as tried to befriend... It's too late now.

And yeah... HE hugged me too. I never thought he would. Sharlyn was pushing me in his direction but I was fighting back. Maybe because I've not given him any good memories anyway... or I'm just plain scared. Anyway, he hugged me. I hugged back. And then when he was gone, I cried even harder... because he's gone. Just like that. I don't even remember looking him in the eye. He just came up and hugged me, nothing more nor less. Sigh.

Congratulations, batch 2006 of Mother Goose Special Science High School! This is not the end, but a fresh new beginning for us to enjoy life and meet MORE friends! We'll see each other soon, I'm sure! :)